You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
