OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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