Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
