yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
