I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
