Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
