and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
