Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
