I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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