I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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