Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
