im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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