I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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