Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
