i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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