He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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