i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
