i think i have herpe
just one?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
