so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
