one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
