sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
