Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize