just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I need to align my fucking chakras
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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