This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize