Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
