a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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