If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
