She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
