Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
