I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My dick has a subreddit
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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