You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
