New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
