I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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