I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
