I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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