it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize