My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
