Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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