can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize