Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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