Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
