i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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