I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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