watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
