is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
