i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
