my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
