Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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