God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
