I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
