He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
