I skipped work to stalk him.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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