do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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