I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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