My balls are so social today.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
