Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
